Stand Up Paddle Surf Tricks Session

Oscar Meyer is coming out with a new bacon hot dog; the only way a bacon hot dog could make you feel worse is if it comes with a recording of the first person who broke up with you over the phone:

"Like, see, I just think we should see other people," (which means everyone except you), "Oops, I've got an important call on the other line." 

Lex Random Thoughts:

If you could somehow merge "Parks and Recreation" characters Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer? Yep, it would be me.

Booze. It's the new booze.

Write, work out, grill, eat, sleep, repeat. 

Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are both leaving "American Idol." "Gosh, I hope I can get them in my think tank," said nobody. 

How is it I find other people's farts so repulsive, yet mine are so damn cute? Same thing with erections.

If coffee made me feel any better, I would have to call it rum. (can an intervention be far off?) 

So I can't figure out if I want to make a sandwich. It's almost one PM, maybe just have a healthy snack and ride it out until dinner. Then I decide, no, I want to make a sandwich. 

So I pull out the good wheat bread, the nice, oven-roasted sliced deli turkey, good cheese, a fresh tomato. And then I notice: no mayonnaise. What the . . .? Now I am absolutely INCENSED that I can't have a sandwich. One minute ago, I didn't really even want one. But now, for lack of a condiment that is c-blocking me? Now I am incensed. 

Dear: Nearly All Cooking Show "Chopped" Contestants:

We got it. You have a passion for cooking. You prefer to use seasonable, organic and locally grown sustainable produce. If you're a woman, you're playing for your life partner. If you're a  man, you used to have a substance abuse problem, so now you want to make it up to your kids. Or you're also playing for your life partner. Either way, you have way too many tattoos and piercings. You're a cook, not a rock star.  

Yes, the twenty minutes in the appetizer round goes by way faster than you thought. You only had four mystery ingredients yet you almost forgot - or you did forget - to put one in your dish. You prefer to do something wildly creative over something that is traditional, which means you are about to get chopped. 

You said you are going to give the $10,000 prize to charity, but I think you're lying. You had a close relative pass away and you're cooking for them. When in doubt, taste the weird thing you've never seen before and toss it in the food processor and puree it for a sauce. 

If you use the anti-griddle/freezer or powders of liquid nitrogen, you're a pretentious douche-bag and we all hope you lose. 

Your's Truly, 

Lex

Here is my impression of Justin Bieber after he ran inside his house after being chased by 6ft.4 inch, 225 lbs Keyshawn Johnson:

"That punk-ass bitch best step off or his punk ass is gonna get punk-ass played by this here player of punk-asses, yo."

Justin Bieber's personal assistant:

"Would you like to change into shorts that are not soiled, Master Bieber?" 

That so do be how we do be do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Obama visited with New Jersey Gov. Christie to inspect the rebuilding after hurricane Sandy. Gov. Christie has lost weight. He has dropped one entire Snooki.

In New York, Starbucks employees are suing over who gets to keep the tips; so the question is, should the tips go to the guy who gets the order wrong or the barista who makes the order wrong?

“Inside the Actors Studio” host James Lipton admitted he was a Paris pimp in the 50’s. Asked the difference between the hookers and today’s celebrity actresses, Lipton said; “Class, style and professionalism. The hookers had those.”

A Royal Caribbean Cruise ship caught fire off the coast of Florida; nobody was hurt but the fire was serious, even the raw sewage couldn’t put it out.

New York City has a bike share, you put a credit card deposit down and you can take it out and ride it as long as you want as long as you put it back. They got the idea from guys who dated Madonna.

For the third year in a row, Australia is ranked the happiest place to live; they factored in the beaches, the weather, the nightlife and it’s vast distance from Newark, New Jersey.

For the third year in a row, Australia is ranked the happiest place to live; from a place where England dumped their nastiest prisoners to the happiest place on earth; see that, central Florida? There is hope.

The neighbor who called the LA cops to halt Justin Bieber’s speeding? Turns out it is former wide receiver, Keyshawn Johnson. When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.

In a just world, Keyshawn bitch-slaps Justin until Bieber poops his droopy drawers.

Saw a clip of the reality show “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” And what would Ryan Lochte do? Apparently have his mother smoke a butt-ton of crack while pregnant with him.

Lex’s Favorite Things to Grill:

Fresh Fish. Mahi to Swordfish, the type doesn’t matter as much as the freshness.

Bone-in rib eye. Marinated in olive oil, rubbed with salt, pepper, garlic powder and finely ground French roast coffee.

Paella. Barbeque the chicken and sausage first then do the rest with the pan on the Weber. Add the chicken stock as you go as you do for Risotto.

Chicken thighs finished with Rachel Ray’s balsamic reduction sauce at the very end.

Barbeque Beef ribs braised in coke and beer. Finished on the grill for smoke and then barbeque sauce – the thick, molasses kind – at the very end.

Beer can chicken. Marinate the chicken in a quart of apple juice with a cup of sea salt.

Pork baby-back ribs. Apple juice and sea salt marinated, rubbed with garlic powder, pepper – no salt – smoked paprika and Old Bay seasoning, covered in tin foil and broiled in the oven at 225 for five hours and then finished on the grill with homemade peach barbeque sauce at the end.

Shrimp marinated in vegetable oil and rubbed with Old Bay, garlic powder and smoked paprika. Use soaked bamboo skewers. (Just saw a recipe where you add watermelon to the skewers. Awesome)

Corn for my grilled corn salsa. Corn, diced red onions, diced chilis, mayo, blast of balsamic and salt and pepper. Blue corn tortillas chips.  

Tri-tip for Santa Barbara-style barbecue.

How is this for a great story?

Personification-of-all-that-is-wrong-with-our-culture, Justin Bieber, is driving 100 mph in his one-canyon-east-of-Malibu-gated community in his Ferrari and his neighbor, playing with his kids in a park, Ex-NFL All-Pro Keyshawn Johnson, gets pissed, jumps in his Prius and follows Bieber, jumps out of his car to confront Justin, and Justin runs into his McMansion and hides in his giant home theater.

Now, remember, a fan in Dubai rushed Bieber, and Bieber fell flopping to the stage like a trout and ran off screaming like the 14-year-old girl he really is. 

Justin, he of the low-hanging baggy shants, tats, sideways flat-brim cap, total thug-wannabe-speak and pimp-strut versus, Keyshawn, a 6-5, 225 pounds, no fat, who could probably still be playing in the NFL if he wanted to. 

In a just world, when Keyshawn jumps out, Justin lets out a shriek that has dogs barking for miles, his jazz-hands flapping furiously, Justin then trips over his falling-down shants and Keyshawn bitch-slaps him until he Justin's his Biebers. 

Randy Newman - Baltimore & Lyrics

How great is Randy Newman? He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he is still underrated.

Just saw a few clips from the "E" upcoming reality show; "What Would Ryan Lachte Do?" And apparently the answer is have his mom smoke a butt-ton of crack while pregnant with him. Jeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. 

Did you see New Jersey Gov. Christie touring New Jersey with President Obama? My man, Chris, has lost some weight. In fact, he has lost an entire Snooki. 

GoPro Dolphins

Have I shown you this? Your's truly on his very first GoPro adventure at La Jolla Shores. Paddled with dolphins and caught a right. 

'Dat Braudah not in dah waddah; 'dat jamoke ain't got no stoke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Hangover III” is in theaters; I’m no Dr. Phil, but I think if you end up in Las Vegas, Bankok and Las Vegas again after blacking out each time and you steal a tiger, monkey and kill a giraffe in the process? You may have a drinking problem.

Random Lex Thoughts:

It is shameless how they discriminate against Chinese drivers at the Indy 500.

I want to start a winery so I can make a wine that is called: Coping Mechanism. 

If someone has to change clothes, it wasn't just a fart.

It is amazing how much less I love chimps now that I know they like to bite human penises off.

Now that all professional athletes work out all the time, sports is going to get pretty boring for quite a while. 

Everyone knows Christian Rock is a hilarious oxymoron, right?

Why is everyone surprised at the pubic's hatred of the IRS? The IRS is that douche in a wool hat driving the Prius and talking on his hand-held iPhone while cutting you off by running the four-way stop sign. 

There are two ways to tell if an apparently hot person is actually hot. One, hose them with water, if they are still hot without the hair and makeup, they are hot. 2, make them wear Crocs. If they are still hot, they are really hot. 

You can measure a person's douche-ableness by how much they block grocery store aisles and how much noise their footwear makes on the ground when they walk/shuffle. 

Led Zeppelin: two words that prove rock critics in general, and "Rolling Stone" critics in particular, were/are snotty little punk-rock-Depech Mode-loving losers with no life.