Thursday, December 14, 2017

The journal, “Intelligence,” claims highly intelligent people tend to have attention deficit disorder. The study went on to say, oh, hey, is tonight “Thursday Night Football”?

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

George Clooney once gave his 14 best friends $1 mil each for Christmas. That story is so touching, I had to tell my daughter, Georgia Clooney Kaseberg.

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. That’s like Kim Kardashian quitting your think tank.

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. To which the rats in the White House said, “Dudes, start packing.” 

Anderson Cooper claims somebody hacked his twitter account calling Trump a tool. That story again. Anderson Cooper wakes up after drunk tweeting and regrets it.

Roy Moore showed up to vote on his horse, Sassy. Sassy is short for the Cherokee word Sassakewsass, which means, “You are screwed.” 

Roy Moore’s wife, Kayla, said they don’t hate Jews because one of their lawyers is a Jew. That’s like saying you’re not racist because the guy who did your swastika tattoo was a Puerto Rican.

Since you asked:

Billy Joel Is An Evil Troll

While the list of vile bastards in rock and roll is too lengthy to mention, alone and at the top forever is Ted Nugent. 

Nugent’s sadistic abuse of underpaid sidemen alone would make him worthy of such a title, but his adopting a 17-year-old girl so he could have sex with her and then bragging about in his song, “Jailbait,” and the sexual arousal he brags about from slaughtering harmless animals makes Nugent the Roy Moore of rock. 

And Nugent’s music sucks. Well, besides "Stranglehold." 

But after watching a Netflix documentary on legendary rock sidemen called “Hired Guns,” that spot of vilest bastard could be in jeopardy from the Piano Man himself, Billy Joel.

And Billy Joel's music sucks. Well, besides "Piano Man."

Billy Joel is definition of a man with terminal short man’s disease. Billy Joel is a lounge lizard piano player who has a knack for writing annoyingly catchy tunes. Anyone ever doubts the power of music over women, just look at that tiny troll’s ex wives. 

Billy Joel is also the definition of a swelled head. In interviews it is obvious Billy Joel thinks he is Mozart.  

The abuse Joel heaped on his sidemen was Nugent-esque, suing them when he sued his record company for $90 million and then firing them afterwards after being with him for 20 years. That abuse caused one his childhood buddy sidemen to kill himself.

And after firing his band after 20 years, he refused to even call them to tell them citing the reason for not calling, “I am Billy Joel.”

When Joel's drummer, Liberty DiVitto, came crawling back because he had to support his family, Joel signed him at the minimum $500 a week. And then Joel kicked Liberty off the band jet so he could use DiVitto's seat to prop up his tiny little troll feet.

After abusing him for 30 years, Joel fired DiVitto because he had the audacity of asking Joel for a raise.

Do not go to a Billy Joel concert no matter how stoned you are. He is an evil midget who has taken over the body of Mr. French from “Family Affair.”  

And his music sucks. Besides "Piano Man." 

The documentary, "Hired Guns," was at once interesting, depressing and informative. Good to know there is a field harder to make a living in then comedy writing. 

It proves what I have learned, it is tough when you're trying to make it in a profession where people will literally do it for free. A scant few got lucky and hit the band lottery. Most flamed out.

What was amazing was the depth of musical talent. When a hot band needed a great musician, and I mean great, not good, there was no room for good, there were literally thousands in every instrument to choose from. The choice came down to how well they performed on stage and got along with the superstar in the studio and the road. 

It is amazing the chasm in technical skills between a session musician and a rock star passing themselves off as a musician. Don Felder, a great guitarist, was shocked to join the Eagles and discover Glenn Frey, who considered himself a guitarist, could not play certain chords on the guitar. That's like someone claiming to be a writer but who doesn't know all of the alphabet.

Blues legend, BB King, cannot even play chords. He only plays lead solo single notes.

So if even the most talented musicians passed the difficult tests of being a good showman on stage and not farting too much on the tour bus, their life was mostly hand-to-mouth. 

They lived like Kings on the road, food, booze, luxury hotels, jets, women, all free. (Like Dire Straits said, "Money for nothing and your chicks for free")

But once they got off the road, they went through their $500 a week pretty damn fast. Most did not have a piece of the recording profits.  

Like the gypsies they were, they had to get back on the road to live.

But have they ever written a joke that was told to the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony in Oslo? No? Well call me when you do, Home-Twizzler. 

(My amazingly insightful  take on Trump's election chances on July 18th, 2015) 

Anyone who thinks Donald Trump ruined his chances to become president because he insulted John McCain’s bravery is dead wrong.

Donald Trump never had a chance to be president. Ever. "The Huffington Post" was right to only cover Trump as an entertainer and not a viable candidate.

As US citizens, we may have a lot of faults. But we were never, ever going to elect a bloated, orange clown like Trump to be president. The reason Trump was leading in the polls – even at a paltry 16% - is because he is so damn entertaining.

Selfishly, as a comedy writer, I truly hoped Trump would have lasted much longer. As much as I detest Trump, even I could not have predicted The Donald stepping on his Trump this fast.

There may be others in this country so pompous, arrogant and ignorant they would run for president as a republican and then brutally insult the bravery of the top republican war hero, John McCain.

But only Donald Trump is pompuos, arrogant and ignorant enough to A, do it in the first place and then B, to lie about it and C, deny he owes McCain an apology.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, to paraphrase the great writer, Dan Jenkins referencing Tiger Woods six years ago: 

Donald Trump is graveyard dead.

12-13-17 (Wow, I sure can pick 'em, can't I? This is the same guy who stood in front of my Manhattan apartment on 123 West 3rd in 1983 and proclaimed to my friends that neither Madonna nor rap music would last another year) 

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

I'll Take You There - Staple Singers

Monday, December 11, 2017

Play your, play your piano now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. In addition, Batali’s restaurants have cancelled their rump roast specials.

It is the seventh anniversary of when a Wisconsin woman bit off half of her husband’s tongue. When asked how they’re doing, the man said, “We’re not on thpeaking termth.” 

“60 Minutes” featured a segment on Alexei Navalny, the Russian man running against Vladimir Putin. 60 minutes is also about how long Navalny has to live.

“60 Minutes” featured a segment on Alexei Navalny, the Russian man running against Vladimir Putin. Which is a brave thing to do when you consider the track record of Putin’s adversaries and, yeah, Navalny is dead.

Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore, announced he will be riding his horse to vote. Which is probably better than him driving his Ice Cream truck to the polls.

By the way, Moore's horse's name is R. Kelly.

It is the seventh anniversary of when a Wisconsin woman bit off half of her husband’s tongue. Or as the victim calls it, “The theventh anniverthary.” 

Celebrity chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Batali is in serious hot water, but only for 11-12 minutes.

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. The charges are even worse than his wearing orange Crocs with socks and cargo shorts. 

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Not surprising when you discover Batali is Italian for Weinstein.

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Not surprising when you discover Batali was not one to duck breasts.

Since you asked:

With the possible exceptions of nice guys Charlie Rose and  Al Franken, most of the celebrities accused of serial sexual harassment all had world-class reputations for being utterly contrary assholes and raving egomaniacs. 

Of course the rapists Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein were famous dick-heads, but also Ben Affleck, Dustin Hoffman, Matt Lauer, Jeremy Piven and now Mario Batali. 

Ass-wipes all. A veritable who's who of pompous, insufferable malcontents. 

Unchecked ego and sexual harassment it would seem tend to go, excuse me, hand-in-hand.

Again, this does not happen as much in the real world of business. Most people who succeed at real jobs have to do it by getting along with people. 

But entertainers and politicians, like the Bills Cosby and Clinton, just have to sell tickets or get votes. Outrageous behavior is seen as a by-product of talent.

What shocks me is that other world class Hollywood douche-bags, like Chris Brown, Justin Beiber, Sean Penn and Val Kilmer, have not come up in this new era of sexual harassment. 

Of course Penn beating his wife, Madonna, with a baseball bat and Chris Brown beating Rihanna senseless still counts for a lot. 

It just makes you wonder, what famous person who crafted a public persona of being silly and nice, but has a reputation for being a putz behind the curtain, will be accused next?


Saturday, December 09, 2017

The Scooch Pooch of Mount Scaramooch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The movie about Tonya Harding, “I, Tonya,” is in theaters. Some critics say it is biased for Tonya Harding. Like the scene where Nancy Kerrigan releases her flying monkeys.

Amazon now has a feature that allows you to build a shopping profile for your pet. Just log on to Amazon and click on: "You're probably going to die alone." 

While playing golf, Donald Trump bragged to golfer, Brad Faxton, he has 158 million followers on Twitter. Trump has 44 million. The missing 114 million followers are residents of the countries of Nambia and Covfefe.

The movie about Tonya Harding, “I, Tonya,” is in theaters. Remember Tonya’s idiot husband, Jeff Gillooly? When he got out of prison, he changed his name for privacy. He is now Caitlyn Gillooly.

The movie about Tonya Harding, “I, Tonya,” is in theaters. Remember Tonya’s idiot husband, Jeff Gillooly and her moron body guard, Shawn Eckert? They weren’t just the gang that couldn’t shoot straight, they were the gang that emptied all of their bullets into their foot.

The movie about Tonya Harding, “I, Tonya,” is in theaters. Remember Tonya’s idiot husband, Jeff Gillooly? He was the first person sent to prison for sheer stupidity.

The movie about Tonya Harding, “I, Tonya,” is in theaters. Tonya liked it. She gave it three rusted-out lawn transmissions up.

Nancy Kerrigan gave it three kneecaps up.

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle had to stop for repairs in Montana when all of the toilets went out. You think they could have had that fixed in nearby Flushing Meadows. 

Since you asked:

To my utter amazement, I was watching the news on the local wildfires and they had a story filmed and reported from up in a helicopter. Being neither an expert on helicopters nor wildfires, nonetheless this struck me as a colossally stupid thing to do. Helicopters are wind-making machines and wildfires feed off the wind.

“We’re going to take this gasoline tanker and spray some gas over the fire to see if that does anything. Back to you guys in the studio.” 

To be candid, those Christmas carolers were kind of dicks about insisting on their freaking figgy pudding. Oh you won’t leave until you get some? Let’s see what Johnny Law has to say about that.  

Ah. Having a cold is just one way of life reminding you that your temple of a body is just a massive collection of holes that leak nasty fluid. 

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle had all toilets go out and had to make a bathroom break in Billings. It worked out fine, the pilots needed more ice for their margaritas.

Due to nationwide doping, the IOC has banned Russia from the 2018 Olympics. But clean athletes from Russia can compete neutrally. Good news for Ivan, the near-sighted badminton player.

Amazon now has a shopping profile for pets. Just go to Amazon and click on to “Why Other Countries Hate Us.” 

An Australian company called Geeky Sex Toys has come out with a line of Star Wars themed sex toys. Women particularly like the Wookie Shookie.

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle had all toilets go out and had to make a bathroom break in Billings. After landing in Billings, they had no choice but to change their name to Spirit Airlines. 

Despite Al Franken’s resignation for sexual harassment, many during the holidays say they still admire his judgment and humor. At least I think that’s what they mean when they say Franken’s sense and mirth. 

Saturday, December 02, 2017

MagiQuiz has a quiz that guesses what will cause your death. For Keith Richards the answer was 1997. 

The sexual assault allegations against Matt Lauer are amazing. The hardest part for Lauer having a desk-button-door-lock installed? Convincing the installer he worked at a bank.

Today is National Mutt Day. Or as Mutts prefer to call it: National Blended Pedigrees Day. 

A giant San Francisco porn company,, went bankrupt. And here I did not even know Donald Trump owned it.

Monday was Cyber Monday. So that makes today, “I will never buy crap online drunk again” Delivery Saturday. 

Two businesses not doing well featuring Trump’s name will drop Trump’s name. No word on what the Trump Custom Glove Co. and the Trump Hair Salon will be called. 

The allegations against Matt Lauer are crazy. He had a button under his desk that locked the door of his office behind women. And if the woman turned him down, the floor opened up to a pool full of piranhas.  

Dominoes now offers Carryout Insurance that will replace a pizza ruined on the trip home. Here’s some free advice: if you can’t get a pizza home without insurance? Maybe do not have any kids.  


Guess it turns out Bryant Gumbel, with all of his unbearable pomposity, was the nice one. 

Since you asked:

These shocking sexual harassment allegations are reminding me of a woman I knew in New York circa 1985. I’ll call her Leslie. 

Leslie was quite a memorable friend. As my Boston friends would say, she was a wicked pissah. She took no crap. She gave plenty. 

Leslie had long, thick black hair in a widow’s peak, lily white skin, a prominent nose and a professional dancer’s body, which she had recently been for the New York Ballet. (She still got the occasional dance job in music videos, but when I knew her, she was going to NYU for grad school in design)   

Think Marisa Tomei in “My Cousin Vinny” with longer hair and a more pronounced proboscis.  

Leslie and I were a study in how different people can be friends. Never asked her if she had a boyfriend. She never asked if I had a girlfriend. We just cracked each other up. No strings. Not until way later would I find out she was from an old-school wealthy New York Jewish family. She gave no hint of old money at all. 

Leslie’s clothes tended to Springsteen-esque to punk. Torn t-shirts, leather jackets and frayed jeans and high top sneakers. Leslie just commanded attention wherever she went. And she was a classic New York born and bred girl. Big, huge, warm heart, but a mouth that could send sailors screaming from a bar and even offend New York Jets fans.

To go places with Leslie was a lesson in how utterly filthy and disgusting many, many men in New York are to women. Even with me with her, almost 6.2 and then in good shape at 200 pounds, guys smaller than me would still openly verbally assault her. And sometimes physically. And Leslie would hammer them with a quick “Go eff yourself, needle dick.” But not with eff. The real thing.  

One time in a bar I did have to throw a drunk, coked-up yuppie in a suit against the bar who grabbed Leslie’s butt. 

To be candid, I have not seen this same thing in Chicago, Los Angeles or San Francisco, but I am sure it exists.

Side note. Not sure if they got some sort of city-wide memo, but I never once heard a New York construction worker say something to a woman. They looked and looked hard, but I never head a thing. 

It was amazing how much verbal abuse Leslie took on a trip on the subway or in a bar. Every single time, at least one dickhead would make a crack. And these same guys, no matter how scrawny, would look me up and down as if it say, “I could take you no problem if I  wanted to, I just don’t want to.” 

Never in human history has a woman responded to a vulgar cat-call with “Wow, that was nasty, but, you bet, let’s have some real wild sex.”  

But the guys keep doing it over and over and over again. Genuine definition of insanity. 

During the entire time I lived as a fit and presentable suited-up straight young man in the epicenter of gayness, Greenwich Village, I never once felt threatened by a gay man. Hit on a few times, yes.

Absolutely nothing like what Leslie went through each time she went outside. 

Leslie had a lot to do with teaching me how to be a savvy New Yorker. Savvy New Yorkers are pretty great. They love to go to take full advantage of all the best things in New York: food fairs, museum openings, art galleries, small bar concerts, off-Broadway plays, street festivals. 

Leslie would comb the “New York Times” and “Village Voice” and find the coolest and funkiest thing happening almost by instinct. Twice we were at a thing with a Rolling Stone in attendance. Ron Wood at an art gallery and Bill Wyman at a coffee shop concert.  

But I digress. 

Maybe because Leslie dressed like a rebel and her body and hair flowed like a slinky when she walked. She appeared to have no bones. Whatever it was, guys could not contain themselves. And Leslie was not a flirt with them at all, she was just being herself. 

Leslie never gave the unwanted attention a second thought. She took the subway by herself late at night. New Yorkers pride themselves on their survival skills. 

Truth be told, the reason I stopped hanging with Leslie was she scared me. She had a hot temper and more than once, especially after she had a few drinks, I had to keep her from punching some idiot who said something to her. There was no question I would eventually end up in a brawl if we kept going. 

You know how some people have a thing? Everyone has quirks, eccentricities, but some people have a full-blown thing. 

Being a Rastafarian with dread-locks is a thing. Being a rock musician with wild clothes and long hair is a thing. Being a drag queen is a thing. For some, being a writer is a thing. Being a bouncer is a thing. Being a biker is a thing. Being a Hasidic Jew is a real big thing. Being a business man or woman is a little thing. Bike messenger. Cop. Judge. All things.  

The weather in the East is a thing. Traffic jams are a thing. Pollution is a thing. 

In New York City, being a woman is a full-time, big-time, not-going-away thing. From the time they walk outside until they go to bed at night, it is as if there is a sign on women’s necks that says, 

“Shout whatever dumb-ass nastiness pops into your horny, stupid head.”  

And it starts with scary, down-and-out types in the subway and obviously continues to the halls of NBC at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. 

And we men have no idea how bad it is. And we never will.

Friday, December 01, 2017

Black Dog Alison Krauss Robert Plant

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Tam, Tam, Tam, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Several buildings have had to lose their name Trump due to a severe drop in business. Especially the Trump Think Tank.

Donald Trump is going to fire Sec. of State, Rex Tillerson, who called Trump a moron. Reportedly, when Tillerson called Trump a moron, Trump was furious. After they explained to Trump what a moron was.

Researchers have found people who live near the Three Mile Island nuclear plant show no significant increase in cancer more than 38 years after the accident. The locals were so delighted by the news, they exchanged high sixes. 

A study claims men with big biceps live longer. As a result, I would like to extend my condolences on the inevitably soon passing of Eric Trump and Anderson Cooper. 

Researchers have found people who live near the Three Mile Island nuclear plant show no significant increase in cancer more than 38 years after the accident. The locals were so delighted by the good news, they cried their three eyes out.

Bette Midler tweeted that Geraldo Rivera sexually assaulted her in the early 70’s. Geraldo claims he was just trying to see what was in Bette’s vault.

This just in: The NBA has filed a class-action sexual harassment suit against Khloe Kardashian.

Dominoes now offers Carryout Insurance that will replace a pizza ruined on the trip home. Here’s some free advice: if you can’t get a pizza home without insurance? Maybe do not have any kids.  

Since you asked:

As an admitted non-genius in math and business, you don’t have to be a genius to understand TV economics. Basically, if I offer you two dollars if you give me one, that is a good deal, right? 

Essentially that is how TV shows work. They either get ratings or they don’t. If they don’t, they’re cancelled and the networks write-off the costs. If they do get ratings, the networks make two dollars in advertising for every one dollar they invest in the production of the show.

In some cases, more. NBC made over $300 million on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” by giving them a budget of around $100 million. But in most cases, it is a two-for-one deal. 

So this applies to star’s salaries. The fact that NBC was paying Matt Lauer $25 million meant he was earning them $50 million. At least. Probably more. NBC canned a $50 mil. entity for a sexual harassment accusation.

In case you did not know how serious this sexual harassment epidemic is.

How would John F. Kennedy have used Twitter? 

There is absolutely no questioning the Kennedy family savvy when it came to understanding using the media for public persuasion and creating great images. Joe Kennedy, JFK’s father, was the first and arguably one of the greatest spin doctors. 

Joe took his son getting drunk and passed out in his PT boat and getting rammed by a Japanese freighter ship (Kennedy’s boat drifted into a known shipping lane) into a saga of being attacked by a Japanese destroyer and JFK’s acts of heroism. Which, after he got drunk, passed out and rammed, were true. JFK did save his surviving men. 

JFK would have recognized the importance of social media. But I doubt he would have written one word on it. Like Trump’s “The Art if the Deal” Kennedy did not write one word of his bestseller, “Profiles In Courage.” Kennedy’s speechwriter, Ted Sorenson, did. (Even “Trivial Pursuit” acknowledges this) 

But, unlike Trump, Kennedy could have written a book. And unlike Trump, Kennedy would not have insisted on airing every thought he had when he had it on Twitter. He would have asked Sorenson to employ his genius in small bite-sized amounts.

My feeling is Kennedy would not have liked Twitter. He would have thought it intrusive. His life was intruded upon by the public enough. But he would have used it carefully and sparingly. 

Kudos to “Modern Family”  on bringing it after mailing in a few episodes. Classic riff on the use of the word sanguine.

As a comedy writer, it is hard to be sanguine when you don’t know where your unhappiness ends and your depression begins. 

The epidemic of sexual harassment in politics and entertainment is easy to figure out. 

Both professions attract people who can’t get along with others. In the entertainment world, if you’re talented, it does not matter how difficult you are. In politics, if you’re unlikeable, it does not matter if you get enough votes. (See: Richard Nixon, Barbra Streisand) 

Most other professions teach people they not only have to get along with customers, they also have to get along with coworkers. But most of all, in most other professions, getting along with people goes hand-in-hand with making money. If you cannot make customers happy you cannot close a deal and you’re gone.

People in politics and entertainment - or in Al Franken’s case, both - do not learn that lesson. How many interviews of entertainers have you heard say they could not last a week at McDonalds? 

Lawyers who are so contrary they cannot get along with their fellow lawyers end up in politics. They find some elected official who is almost utterly inept, but keeps getting re-elected, and they run against them on a campaign of being a little less inept. 

Most people who are successful in the private sector have a rich balance of talents: Punctuality. Public speaking. Organization. Persuasion. Sense of humor. Management skills. Computer savvy. Budget keeping. 

Politicians and entertainers just have to have one talent each. Politicians have to get votes, and entertainers have to be entertaining. 

So when entertainers and politician’s lack of people skills in the office include offending women, nobody cared. 

Until now.

The pendulum of correcting injustice in this country swings late and it swings too far.