Monday, September 18, 2017

At the Emmys, actress Shailene Woodley lazy-shamed TV watchers. That’s like winning the Nobel Peace Prize and punching the presenter.

That's like showing up to the Over-Eating Anonymous meeting with donuts. 



Last week someone was arrested for throwing a yoga mat over the White House fence. You laugh, but this crime could downward dog someone for life.



Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, has been playing despite a six-game suspension for three-time domestic violence. They should have suspected a problem when Elliott’s choice for his rookie song was “Smack My Bitch Up.” 



Get your species-elevating hot takes here, 'memba him, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 




In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott only had 8 yards on 9 carries. It was so few yards, Elliott had to make his “Feed Me” gesture using an eye-dropper instead of a spoon.




In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott quit in the middle of a play after an interception. It was one of the few times three-times-domestic-abuser, Elliott, decided not to beat something out.



In the Chargers 19-17 home loss to the Miami Dolphins, there were so many empty seats, when Chargers’ fans tried to do the wave, it turned out to be a ripple.




In the Chargers 19-17 home loss to the Miami Dolphins, there were so many empty seats, when Chargers’ fans tried to do the wave, the National Weather Service declared a drought.




Today is National Cheeseburger Day. We need a National Cheeseburger Day like Chris Christie and Steve Bannon need a National Cheeseburger Day.



In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott only had 8 yards on 9 carries. It was so few yards, Elliott had to replace his “Feed Me” gesture with pantomiming a feeding tube.


Alec Baldwin won the Emmy for best supporting actor in a comedy for his “SNL” Trump impression. Baldwin described the win as “Bigly.” 

Since you asked:

How busted-ass is the culture inside the Dallas Cowboys? Nobody tells Ezekiel Elliott to stop doing his selfish/annoying/self-promoting “Feed Me” gesture. Elliott still does the ass-munch "Feed Me" gesture after he gets off on a legal technicality from a six-game suspension for three serious domestic violence incidents.

And then the woman-beating Elliott takes a play off during an interception when he was four yards away from defender with the ball. 

Just stands there. 

Ezekiel Elliott is an absolute miserable human being. And Dallas is just fine with him acting like a sticky-face, bugger-nosed brat as long as he gets them yards.





Saturday, September 16, 2017


A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Kenya. It is so white it immediately demanded to see its own Kenyan birth certificate.

The NFL has suspended Houston Texans linebacker, Brian Cushing, for performance enhancing drugs for the second time. They suspected Cushing was using again when he punched Hurricane Harvey in the face.

An 11-year-old boy named Harry who wrote to the White House, got to mow the Rose Garden lawn. At first Donald Trump thought it was his son Barron, but then realized the kid was working so it could not have been Barron. 


North Korea just fired their second missile over Japan. When asked to comment, a frail, older North Korean woman said, “This is a proud moment for our country,” then she ran down the street chasing a Schnauzer with a frying pan.


In an interview, Floyd Mayweather said Donald Trump was a real man for his “pussy grabbing” comment. Floyd then excused himself to work on his dissertation on feminism. 



In London’s sewer, a giant fat-berg made out of cooking fat and diapers has formed the size of 11 buses. It is the most disgusting collection of rancid fat and poop in one place since the Neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville.



In London’s sewer, a giant fat-berg made out of cooking fat and dirty diapers has formed. It is such a giant ball of rancid fat and poop, it was named the CEO of Spirit Airlines.





Since you asked:


Here is Savannah interviewing Hillary Clinton last week

So proud of two of my friend's kids. Ron and Patricia Sellers’s daughter, Savanah, won an Emmy at age 24 for her "Today" show report on opiate addiction and now she is the co-host of NBC’s broadcast “Stay Tuned” on Snapchat. 


Lexi Sun. So much athletic ability, so much charm, so much great looks. Why are there so few of us? 


And a woman who used to play soccer with our daughter, Ann Caroline, Lexi Sun, won the Gatorade High School Volleyball Player of the Year in volleyball. Now she is a freshman starter on the top-ranked Texas team. Lexi Sun is a star in volleyball, she will probably be a star in beach volleyball or movies or both. Lexi’s folks are great people, Conrad and Beth Sun, both phenomenal athletes themselves. Conrad in basketball, Beth in swimming. 

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Is it just me, or does Sarah Huckabee Sanders look like she is angrily sending back her glass of sparkling vin rose at the Olive Garden? 


In London’s sewer, a giant fat-berg made out of cooking fat and diapers has formed the size of 11 buses. It is the most disgusting collection of rancid fat and poop in one place since the Neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville.

They have no name for the revolting fat-berg, so, for now, they're calling it Steve Bannon.






The “Hand In Hand” telethon raised over $44 mil. for Hurricane Irma and Harvey victims. That’s almost as much as “HIH” telethon volunteer, Oprah, had in her change purse.




Playing down his Twitter porn scandal, Ted Cruz said the left is obsessed with sex. “The left is obsessed with sex,” said, Mark Souder, Chris Lee, Scott DesJarlias, Vance McAllister and Dennis Hastert, all Republican congressmen who recently resigned over sex scandals.




The “Hand In Hand” telethon raised over $44 mil. for Hurricane Irma and Harvey victims. Do not confuse this with Ted Cruz, he had the Hand In Hand fun raiser.



When asked to comment about ESPN’s Jemele Hill’s comments Donald Trump was a bigot, many sports broadcasters dusted off their 10-foot pool they use not to touch things.



Professional children’s clowns are upset over the portrayal of the scary clown in “It.” They said that clown was scarier than Ted Cruz looking at Twitter porn.



The iPhone as an Joel Osteen feature: it locks up your church after a flood.




The first NFL female play-by-play announcer in 30 years, ESPN’s Beth Mowins, did well, but her partner, Rex Ryan, got bad reviews. Ryan sounded like the owner of the flooring company everyone begged not to do his own commercials. 


Monday, September 11, 2017


After a social media page recommended shooting at Hurricane Irma to make it turn around, a Florida sheriff had to instruct residents not to shoot at the hurricane. Florida, we comedians are trying to be respectful during a crisis, but you have to help us out.


Saturday, September 09, 2017

Stanford is playing USC. Quite a disparity in USC-Stanford trash talking. USC is all, “Dude, you’re mom’s nasty.” And Stanford is, “Athletic protagonist. Your matriarch is nefarious.” 



After 31-year-old Lena Dunham tweeted she’s hot for baseball players, creepy 54-year-old Lenny Dykstra hit on her. Lena could not comment as she was busy taking a Silkwood shower.






A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name misspelled on their jerseys for four games. Turns out, in French, Douche Bag is spelled Sac Douche.



It turns out the Viking warrior buried in Sweden with full honors was a woman. For now they’re calling her Yane Doe.



Now we have Hurricanes Irma, Jose and Katia. And two lesser, more lethargic hurricanes, Eric and Donald Jr.





A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name wrong on their jerseys for four games. But once they took the name Cleveland Browns off, they started winning. 

Friday, September 08, 2017

Overly Excited Tourist Goes Nuts In Seattle


A study shows three drinks a night decreases your chances of old age dementia by 100%. And masturbating five times a week decreases your chances of prostate cancer. But doing both at the same time greatly increases your chances of getting tossed out of Hooters.



Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, who was suspended for six games for beating a woman three times, is going to play the entire season. Ezekiel is an old Dutch word that means: Roethlisberger.






Look at that nasty bad hippopotamus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




The Kansas City Chiefs upset the New England Patriots, 42-27. Antonio Cromartie was so shocked, he fell off the woman he was impregnating.



To give you an idea how bad Hurricane Irma is, if Antonio Cromartie was in Florida during Irma, he could not get a woman pregnant.


Fraud-convicted Aids-drug-gouger, Martin Shkreli, could go to jail for offering $5,000 to anyone who pulls Hillary Clinton’s hair. Shkreli is called “The most hated man in America.” And that is something when we have O.J. Simpson, Charlie Manson and Bernie Madoff.


NFL player, Antonio Cromartie, had his 14th child, his third since his vasectomy. Cromartie couldn’t pull out of a wireless contract. 


A French soccer team just realized it has been playing with their name misspelled on their jerseys for four games. You would have thought they would have noticed Montpellier was spelled Hoboken.



A New York sports radio host, Craig Carton, has been arrested for bilking millions from investors. The New York Mets are not involved because, 25 games out, the Mets cannot get arrested as a baseball team.




Adidas has made a shoe for Octoberfest that has a protective “DBPR” coating which stands for "Durable Beer and Puke Repellent.” The only other shoe that requires a puke coating is LaVar Ball’s shoe when people vomit at the $495 price tag.
(Thank you O'Snake) 



Since you asked:

Recent loss aside…

The New England Patriots, with Brady, Belichick and Kraft, are the best trio of quarterback, coach and owner since Montana, Walsh and DeBartolo Jr. of the San Francisco Forty Niners. Without all three there is no dynasty. Steelers’ Bradshaw, Noll and Rooney right up there. Packers’ Star, Lombardi and the fan’s ownership. Seattle’s Wilson, Carroll and Allen damn good, but not quite there.  

This is why Chargers, even with a winner QB in Rivers, can forget about a Super Bowl. Their owner, Dean Spanos, to quote Judge Smales in “Caddy Shack,” su-su-su-su-su-sucks.


How do doctors explain Antonio Cromartie impregnating his wife three times since his vasectomy? As any fireman can tell you, if the hose is long enough to reach the fire, you don’t need as much water. 

It was not a well-kept San Diego locker room secret when Cromartie was a Charger, that Antonio was, well, carrying an extra quarterback on the roster, if you get my meaning.


A picture of Antonio Cromartie made the front page of the “San Diego Union Tribune” sports page when Antonio was a rookie. Antonio was running the forty. In tight lycra shorts. Let’s just say it looked like he packed a lunch. 

And his mom snuck in an entire sleeve of Oreos. 









Thursday, September 07, 2017

Did you see Roger Goodell get booed at New England? Michael Vick got a better reception at the Westminster Dog Show.

Wally put the smooch in Mount Scaramooch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Amigos De Las Americas)



HBO announced the show “Veep,” will end after its 8th season. It simply got too difficult for the writers to try and create anything more absurd than what was really going on in the White House.


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Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton, they’re expecting a third child. No word on the sex, but they have ruled out some of the lesser name options: Limey O’Snaggletooth, Leftside McDriver, Chimney O’Sweep, Bigears Babalouie. 


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Madonna complained on Twitter FedEx would not deliver her packages because they did not believe she was Madonna. Madonna especially wanted the foot-long package that was humming and vibrating. 

In their defense, FedEx said it did not expect Madonna to be wearing a “Make America Great Again” red hat and an “I’d Hit That Scaramucci” t-shirt.

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It was a year ago Amber Rose announced she had her first threesome. And they are just now letting her back into the West Hollywood Ikea.



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Kourtney Kardashian’s ex, Scott Disick, was arrested in August and put an involuntary psychiatric hold. Between Disick, Lamar Odom, Kanye and Caitlyn, guys, if you get with a Kardashian, you’re either going to lose your mind or your junk. 


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The aftermath of Hurricane Irma is going to be bad. In addition to flooding, your VCR flashes 12:00, your house smells like Pine Sol and there is a $5 check for your birthday. 



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Ex-NFL player, Antonio Cromartie, has just welcomed his 14th child into the world, his fourth since his vasectomy. So even though he was cut by the Colts, Cromartie will still probably play for the Colts because cutting Cromartie doesn’t do a damn thing.



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Here are some last-minute suggestions for Fantasy Football team names: 

Cosby’s Happy Hour

Gronk’s Kardashian Side-Piece

Ezekiel’s Wife-Beater T-Shirt

Multi-Millionaire’s Incessant Whining

Brady’s Invisible Concussion


Since you a skewed;


Like my dear, old grandpappy used to say, before he was dead, 

“A thang is a thang is a thang. Either a thang is a thang or it’s not a thang. So if it is a thang, it’s a thang.” 

P.S. It’s your thang. Do what you wanna do.





“Don’t you hate it when you’re eating a carrot and a little carrot shard gets sucked up into the nasal hole in the roof of your mouth? You try to ignore it, but it tickles in a bad about-to-sneeze way, so you finally give one huge brain-rattling reverse snore-snort and it flies out. But then it lands in the back of your throat making you gag and then cough until it finally flies out of your mouth. Don’t you hate that?” 

“Your honor, I simply do not see what that has to do with my client’s lawsuit?” 

Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang
Chew, chew, chew da mang





Salt Bae Meme Original


                Full grilling chubbage has been achieved.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017


"Hey, Kombucha, powder your clam, you’re dancing next, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers"


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Madonna took to Twitter to complain FedEx would not deliver her packages because they did not believe she was Madonna. They thought she was Steven Tyler.

Apparently, FedEx did not think Madonna looked anything like a virgin. 



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The San Diego Padres are 33 games out of first. Why? An unwritten rule in baseball is slumping players sleep with an unattractive woman - or slump-buster - to break out of the slump. The only unattractive women in San Diego just moved to Los Angeles. 

Thanks again, Spanos family. 



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Here are some last-minute suggestions for Fantasy Football team names: 

Covfefe Scaramucci

Kardashian Side Pieces

Ezekiel’s Bail

Brady’s Air Valve

Serena’s Baby Daddy

Osteen’s Pass Key

Usher’s Seven-Year Itch



Gronk McGronkface



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The US soccer team pulled out a tie against Honduras, 1-1, to keep their World Cup hopes alive. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, but this tie was so big it was almost Cersei and Jaime Lannister-like.


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Happy 55th birthday to Chris Christie. Christie celebrated by taking his family to the Bayonne Olive Garden and closing it after they got there.