Sunday, August 20, 2017

Weekend Update: Tina Fey on Protesting After Charlottesville - SNL

How jacked-up are over-sensitive people? Tina Fey's hilarious spoof on herself, making fun of her stress-eating and hoping good people do not get hurt, was criticized with Marie Antoinette comments and, believe this or not, snarks about desecrating the flag and stereotyping black trans as dangerous. Wow. 

TS and NR’s, I have some exciting news: I have been named by President Trump to be Sec. of Comedy to add levity to an otherwise tense and, oh, wait, no, I’ve been fired.

Many NFL stadiums will offer food and drink delivery right to the fan’s seat. Which is too bad, because walking to get their food was the only exercise most New York Jets* fans got.

On the night of his DUI, Tiger Woods had five drugs in his system. Once an over-achiever, always an over-achiever.

Researchers say women can have super orgasms. Super orgasms are achieved through stretching, meditation, a washing machine and a copy of “50 Shades of Grey.”

President Trump referred to Neo-Nazis as history buffs. And Skinheads are shaved-scalp enthusiasts. White Supremacists are Opaque Promoters. 

A study claims 87% have groomed some or all of their pubic hair. And no, this study did not come from the Bush Library. 

Former Charger 2nd draft pick bust, Ryan Leaf, has joined SiriusFM radio’s college football channel. Leaf’s first show did not go well. When Leaf passed the mic to the host, the pass was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 

Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. Although, since Charlottesville, I think it is now called Poop-the-Bedminster. 

Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. More bad news for Trump. Chris Christie closed the bridge to get there.

Donald Trump tweeted our country needs to heal, but he misspelled heal with two E’s.  Twice.  You can understand why Trump would use heel because he has his foot in his mouth so much.

Some people are upset USC's mascot horse, Traveler, is named after Robert E. Lee's horse. And they don't like the monuments he leaves on the field.

(Not a USC fan, but clearly we have run out of more important things of which to be offended)

Since you asked:

People think being rich means solving all their problems by luxuriating in a gold bathtub of Russian beluga caviar while sipping French Crystal champagne on a private Lear Jet. 

And then, if they strike it rich, suddenly they are squirming in a cold pile of smelly fish eggs and sipping something in a whimpy glass that is not nearly as good as an Old Style beer. 

The private jet part is super cool AF though. 

A friend of mine was so bitterly furious while telling me about how badly he has been treated as a white, small-business owner under Obama, I was worried he would burst a capillary. (Trust me, he is far from a racist. I would not have a friend who is a racist) 

This conversation happened in his company’s luxury box at Petco Park after he got back from a yacht cruise in the Caribbean.

Believe me, I am no class warrior. This guy worked in his father’s auto-repair shop instead of going to college, he has worked hard all of his life and sacrificed a lot for his amazingly wonderful family. 

But I do think it may be a good time for people, on both sides, to stop and ask themselves why they’re so damned angry. 

*That New York Jets joke about Jets fans being fat and lazy sounds mean. And it is. But I came by it naturally. 

In 1984, working on Wall Street, I went to Giants game in 1984 with a client, the year when my beloved Bears won the 1985 Super Bowl. The Giants experience, including tailgating at Giants Stadium with food from the DeLaurenti Deli, was so fun, friendly and festive, I jumped on the chance to get tickets for two weeks later when the Bears were in town to face the Jets. 

And no, I was not wearing Bears gear. Once I made that mistake wearing a Cubs hat to a Mets game. After the third time a coward threw a beer at me and ran away, I finally had to take the Cubs hat off, to the cheers of the crowd. (Not exactly the same vibe as Wrigley Field. Mets fans are cut out of the same polyester cloth "Kiss" t-shirt as Jets fans) 

The Jets fans were so loud, so obnoxious, so foul-mouthed and so drunk, I could not wait to get out of there. 

Here is a good general rule: Avoid stadiums with teams where they hire a full-time judge to pass judgment on miscreants and they have a jail cell to put them in.  (Eagles and Jets) 

RIP Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis was considered a comedy genius in France. And, yet, despite this, Americans still adored him.

Started out a huge fan of “The Knick.” Then it got depressing. Then it got way too depressing. But now it is good again. And they cast comedians, like Tom Papa and Jim Norton. And the dialog has some genuine, high-quality humor. Like when Typhoid Mary is sworn-in during her trial and the hefty, jamoke health detective blurts out, 

“You might want to throw away that bible, Judge.” 

In fact, “The Knick” character, Tom Cleary - played by Chris Sullivan of “This Is Us” fame -  is one of the funniest I have ever seen on any show. Big, loud, crude, foul-mouthed and yes, somehow extremely kind-hearted, funny and lovable. 

There are so few of us.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

A study claims 87% have groomed some or all of their pubic hair. The study was called, “The Carpet Is Being Replaced By A Hardwood Floor.” 

Donald Trump used a press conference about a Neo-Nazi march that resulted in the death of a woman to promote his winery in Charlottesville. “Oh, he’s good,” said Bernie Madoff.

Good news. North Korea has backed-off on its threat to bomb Guam. Apparently, Kim Jong Un was too stunned by Donald Trump’s statements on Charlottesville. 

Lost in the Charlottesville March is the White House appointed Hope Hicks as the communications director. Some say it is the last Hope Trump has.

Monday, August 14, 2017

In Texas, a man was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. Before he found out the prostitute was his wife, he was going to pay her to let him leave the toilet seat up and ask for directions.

TV ratings so bad for their first home game, the LA Chargers are changing their name to the LA Daenerys’s Dragons.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A man in Texas was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. He was even more embarrassed when his credit card was declined.

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice fell into the guacamole so they were charged extra. 

At the IAAF Track World Championships in London, France’s Kevin Mayer won the Decathlon and plopped down on the track in exhaustion with the rest of the athletes right after running the 1500 meters. But in a surprise move, the French Mayer got up and surrendered to the nearest German.

With disturbing news from North Korea to Charlottesville, it is refreshing to know there is one thing on which we can all agree: The Chicago Cubs were robbed by that lousy last strike call against Ben Zobrist. If that was a strike, I can sing like Adele. 


Since you asked:

For Chicago Bear fans eager to label 18-25 rookie Mitch Trubisky as the next savior, here are some Bear QB names of my 50-year Bear-loving experience. Jack Concannon, Bobby Douglass, Bob Avellini, Cade McNown, Josh McCown, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and, lately, a  Mc Clown whose name rhymes with Stray Butler. Believe me, I've looked. Not a lot of Joe Montana’s in that group. Let’s take a deep breath. 

The Decathlon is equally beautiful and brutal. 

Trey Hardee had the rough luck of the draw to be around during the time of the greatest decathlete in history, the utterly awesome and yet somehow wildly under-appreciated Ashton Eaton. Even so, Trey won two World Championships and the silver to Eaton’s gold in the London Games. A stellar career by any definition. 

(PS. I will bet a ton of money I don’t have that Eaton makes comeback for the 2020 games) 

But after two years of back injuries, Trey is healthy and Eaton retires. Now, at 33, this is Trey's chance to shine sans Eaton for the first time. After a great first day and poised for a medal at a close 5th, Trey looked pensive at the start of the 110 hurdles, like his back was sore, and he hit a hurdle and fell. 

It was heart breaking especially knowing how much hard training he put into this. 

The body can only take two hours of weight and run training a day, so on top of that time, they also put in three hours of technique work. 

So they work out hard for five hours a day, six days a week.  Typically one hour of conditioning in the morning (distance running and or yoga/stretching)  and three hours of jumping, running, throwing in the afternoon followed by one hour of weight lifting or interval running in the early evening. 

And all of the events you practice require sprinting except for the shot put and discus. (Two-time gold medalist, Daley Thompson bragged he once had three training sessions on Christmas. Like gymnastics, swimming, tennis and golf, the Decathlon is a sport where being OCD is rewarded) 

During the day off the track they watch training videos. 

So what’s the benefit from training five hours a day six days a week? You get to eat and drink as much as you want, right? Hell no. Modern Decathletes eat wildly healthy greens and fruit and steamed chicken and grilled fish with raw vegetables and almost no carbohydrates. No rice, no bread, no pasta. Forget pizza, burritos or cheeseburgers. 

The night or two before an event they get to load up on pasta and Gatorade to carbo-load and hydrate. Yip eee. 

Trey retired today and he faces a stellar career in broadcasting. Especially compared to the NBC stiffs Ato Bolden, who flat out missed a bunch of calls, and the sprinter stiff Manteo Mitchell who did the morning broadcasts who was worse than if they picked some random British fan from the stands. His comments made him a world class champion of the obvious. 

“The Decathletes want to get off to a good start on 100 meters.” 

Really? I thought they want to tank the race so they can come from behind. 

How tough is the Decathlon? The guy who won the World Championships by 200 points still almost lost. (Huh?) France’s Kevin Mayer hit the bar on his third and final attempt at his opening height. One more vibration from the bar and we are saying: Kevin Mayer who? 

How brutal is the Decathlon? Unless you’re an avid fan like me, you’ve never heard of amazing athletes Tom Pappas or Gunnar Nixon. Pappas won the gold in the World Championship in 2003. Nixon set the high school record 8035 (Junior implements) that may never be broken. Neither of them could stay healthy for two seasons in a row. 

One time they interviewed Pappas after the first event, the 100 Meters during the Olympic trials for Greece 2004, and I recognized the look of abject worry and horror on Tom's face. He knew he had fractured his foot, but he was hoping against hope he could still compete on it. An incredibly painful and courageous long jump proved he was wrong. 

Every athlete who has had a bad injury but tried to play on it knows that expression. It is heartbreaking. Like a wounded wolf trying to pretend they're fine so the pack does not eat them. 

How brutal is track? The most gifted athlete I ever witnessed before  my Santa Barbara multi-event pals - besides my fellow New Trier baseball and football superstars respectively, Johnny Castino and Clay Matthews -  was a hurdler, Greg Foster. I competed against Greg in high school in name only. There was no competing against Foster at Proviso High school.

While I was languishing in misery at Long Beach City College with a bad hamstring and a bad back, I would read Foster's exploits at UCLA in the LA Times over donuts and milk with stomach-churning jealousy. Foster was traveling to Oregon, Hawaii and New York while winning everything. He even won the NCAA 200 meters. Me? I got to take a bus to Cerritos City College. 

Greg Foster was such a man among us boys, in high school, he would win the 60 Meters indoor hurdles, a race with five hurdles, against a good field, he would win by two hurdles. He won the NCAA title as a freshman at UCLA. Ten-time National Champion. Three times World Champion. Silver medal in the inter-squad meet that was the watered-down 1984 Olympics. But because he never won a gold medal, all Foster is remembered for is testing positive for performance enhancing drugs in 1990. 

What makes the Decathlon so singularly brutal? No matter how great an athlete someone is, nobody is naturally good at all ten of these events. Bo Jackson did the decathlon once and scored an amazing 6,000 points to set the Georgia High School record. That is still 3,000 points below Ashton Eaton. The shot put and the 1500 meters require polar-opposite skills. 

And demanding that a body hurdle and land in a pit from 15-16 feet up in the air, sometimes missing the pit, is why Decathletes are hurt so much. 

Pole vaulting is a brutally difficult event that requires a sprinters speed, a gymnast's coordination and upper body strength and a cliff-diver's guts. 

Five years ago prior to the London Games, I polled the parents of my daughter’s soccer team. These are all college educated and highly athletic people. Not one single person had heard of Ashton Eaton going into the London Games. 

Watching the World Championships, it is apparent the improved drug detection and improved diet and training has had an obvious slimming impact. Every track event has downsized. Shot putters look like past discus throwers. Discus throwers look like javelin throwers. Javelin throwers look like Decathletes. Decathletes look like 400 meter runners. 

Compare German Decathlete Kurt Bendlin in 1968 to France’s Kevin Mayer today. Both good looking blond dudes, but Bendlin looks like a Jim Brown running back and Mayer looks like a punter. And not an Australian Rules Football punter either.

When he first went to the Munich Olympics in 1972, 6 foot.2 inch 21-year-old Nee Bruce Jenner was a rail-thin 180. In Montreal, it is estimated he was around 210. 30 pounds of pure muscle while running a ludicrous 10 miles a day to keep his weight down. 

Gosh, I (cough) wonder how (cough) Jenner could put on so much muscle? And then, in less than one year, Jenner lost all that weight. That was more telling about steroids than putting the weight on. 

Ashton Eaton has the natural body of the 400 hurdler he was. But when he picks up the shot put, Eaton’s muscles expand around it and he looked like a lean shot put thrower. 

Ashton Eaton was almost too great. He made an impossible event of ten events look easy. It's not. Ask Gunnar Nixon or Tom Pappas. 

From the evidence of the three-time, deep-bruises-inflicted domestic abuse, six-game-suspended Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, is lucky he is not going to jail. In prison, Elliott’s “Feed Me” gesture would not be received well. 

Donald Trump is about to toss Steve Bannon under his well-traveled bus. And he probably deserves it as a leaker and a racist. 

Saturday, August 12, 2017

A man in Texas was shocked when the prostitute he booked turned out to be his wife. He was even more shocked when she tried to charge him double.

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. And if he makes another mistake during his suspension, he would be out of football. That’s right, he would become a Cleveland Brown.

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. Because, as everyone knows, when you want to keep a young rich guy out of trouble, give him six weeks with nothing to do. 

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners used their iPhones to film mice falling from the ceiling. Isn’t that hard to believe? Diners at Chipotle can afford iPhones? 

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended six games for domestic violence. For six weeks, Elliott can only make his “Feed Me” gesture while at McDonalds.

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice were scared off of the ceiling by the cockroaches.   

Dallas Cowboy running back, Ezekiel Elliott, has been suspended for six games for domestic violence.

In Charlotte, violence broke out when protesters attacked a white supremacy march. I’m not sure how supreme the white supremacists were. None of them spelled supremacists right on their signs. 

After just one year in the league, Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, has been in two car accidents, one bar fight and has been suspended for six games for domestic violence. If Elliott is not careful, he could become an Oakland Raider. 

A Dallas Chipotle closed after diners filmed mice falling from the ceiling. The mice were climbing to get out of there to go to the Taco Bell next door.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The Los Angeles Rams and the Los Angeles Chargers got into a brawl at training camp. Shocking critics by proving there is somebody who cares about the Los Angeles Rams and Chargers.

The fight was started when cheap-billionaire Charger owner, Dean Spanos, tried to charge the Rams a practice appearance fee. 

In her lawsuit against a DJ grabbing her ass, Taylor Swift testified the DJ grabbed her ass. Not exactly shocking testimony in a DJ grabbing-ass lawsuit. 

Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.” Fire and fury is what Donald wants Melania to call him naked in his cowboy hat and holster when they role-play in the bedroom.

A poll reveals 95% cannot locate North Korea on a world map. And 50% cannot locate a map on a map.

And 50% don’t know that North Korea is located above South Korea. 

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

TMZ is reporting Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his short White House stint into a sitcom. The working title is “Nobody Loves Anthony.” 

TMZ is reporting Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his short White House stint into a sitcom. The working title is “How I Met Your Mother-Effer.” 

Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.”  It’s not that bad of a threat, Fire and Fury are the nicknames of Trump’s driver and putter for golf.

The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use. In a related story, the Cleveland Browns got a Groupon discount on Greyhound Bus Lines.

In London, the World Championships in Track and Field has a norovirus outbreak. It was so bad, some of the Russian athletes were too sick to inject their steroids.

The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use and they will rent them out. Imagine how humiliating it will be for the New York Jets to have to fly in a Patriot plane?

In their 5-3 win against the San Francisco Giants Monday, Javy Baez, hit an inside-the-park home run. Which is amazing when you include Javy’s three seconds of standing at the plate to admire his hit.

Donald Trump said North Korea threats will be met with “Fire and fury.” There’s a rumor that Fire and Fury are the names Melania gave to her vibrating “Facial Toners” in her nightstand. 

The New England Patriots bought two Boeings for their private use. The cost is estimated at $10 Mil. each, but that price could be inflated.

Actually, the planes were supposed to go to the New York Jets, but the Patriots intercepted them.

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Glen Campbell - Wichita Lineman

My parents loved this song. Rest in peace.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Quantasia Sharpton, the woman who is suing Usher for exposing her to herpes, held a press conference. She should be suing whoever exposed her to Twinkies.

In “Game of Thrones,” the debate between Jon Snow and Daenerys has led to more discussions on bending a knee then when Monica Lewinski was in the Oval Office with Clinton. 

A cannabis company is buying a California town, Tipton. Next they’re also looking at Bakersfield and Highland.

They’re not going to make any changes except for the name. Welcome to Snoop Dog USA.

“Game of Thrones” was intense. Especially when that evil Cersei caused Chris Pratt and Anna Faris to split up.

Tough entertainment weekend. Not sure when I cried harder, when I heard Chris Pratt and Anna Faris broke up or when Jaimie Lannister’s gold wagon burned up. 

A study says people become addicted to Facebook because it makes them feel good. Which also explains why nobody is addicted to a Stairmaster.

Did you see “Game of Thrones”? Now, I don’t want to say Jaime Lannister’s army got their butt kicked, but even the Cleveland Browns think they stunk.

Did you see “Game of Thrones”? Jaime Lannister’s army got their butt kicked. That’s what happens when you don’t campaign in Michigan or Wisconsin.

The latest “Game of Thrones” cliff-hanger raised questions: what will happen with Cersei? Will Jon Snow fall for Daenerys? Why does everyone have an English accent and an African American name?

Quantasia Sharpton, the woman suing Usher for exposing her to herpes, held a press conference. In a related story, millions of young boys quietly gave up their dream to be a pop star.

Since you asked:

Here is my updated official list of Chicago Cubs Nicknames:

Willson “The Barefoot” Conteras. 

Anthony “Rizzbone” Rizzo

Kris “K-Bear” Bryant

Ian “The Cubs are not” Happ “less.” 

Addison “Streeeeet” Russell

Javy “Joan” Baez

Ben “Zoobie” Zobrist

Kyle “The Schwarbarian” Schwarber

Jason “Weird-Beard” Hayward

Jake “The Snake” Arrieta

Alberto “I want to get back to my wife in” Almora. (“It's A Wonderful Life” reference) 

Jon “Jay-Bird” Jay

Kyle “Jimi” Hendricks.   

Fresh From The Factory of Political Metaphors

On the VP Pence shadow presidential campaign reported in “The New York Times.”

“The Vice President does not want to be seen measuring the curtains in the Oval Office.”

“Pence’s statement against the article was using a size 12 to kill a cockroach.”

“Pence’s statement was given to an audience of one.”

“Pence’s statement used a backhoe to kill an ant hill.”

“No QB wants to hear his receivers were practicing with his backup after practice.”

“No diva wants to bump into her understudy making out with the producer.” 

“When the golfer asks his caddy for the big dog, he doesn’t want him to give him a lob wedge.”

“No ship captain wants to yell, “Come about,” and have the first mate say, “Can we talk privately?” 

“No A-dog wants to get a B rating from the health inspector.”

So was I fat-shaming Quantasia Sharpton? Well, maybe. But it was that or Ho'/Idiot/Con-artist/Golddigger shaming.